And sometimes you go out shopping and there’s nothing you like. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.” —Johnny Carson, “He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.” —Samuel Johnson, 18th-century author. I figured it would be much easier to put them all in one place. Are you cracking up from the funniest quotes of all time? '” —Larry Timmons. Someone once said that the shortest period of time in America is the time between when the light turns green and when you hear the first horn honk.”, “Age is just a number. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”, “Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”, “It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance.”, “Happiness is an imaginary condition, formerly attributed by the living to the dead, now usually attributed by adults to children, and by children to adults.”, “I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!”, “I hate women because they always know where things are.”, “A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.”, “Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.”, “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. I read them all, and went from a bad mood to a good mood. Andy Simmons is a features editor at Reader's Digest. Peter Ustinov — Mike O’Halloran. Mark Twain. If life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade. “My father always said, ‘Never trust anyone whose TV is bigger than their bookshelf. ?? A blonde to make a bishop kick a hole in a stained-glass window.” —Raymond Chandler, author, “He suffers from delusions of adequacy.” —Walter Kerr, critic, “Critics are like eunuchs in a harem; they know how it’s done, they’ve seen it done every day, but they’re unable to do it themselves.” —Brendan Behan, Irish author, “The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated.” —Mark Twain, “Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.” —Albert Einstein. You are what you eat.” – Jim Davis, “Life is hard; it’s harder if you’re stupid.” – John Wayne, “Life is hard. “I never feel more privileged than when I get angry about website design.” —Kelly Oxford. Ace Ventura: Pet Detective (1994) Check Out Some Awesome Ace Ventura Quotes That Will Make You Laugh. “The only people who still call hurricanes acts of God are the people who write insurance forms.” —Neil deGrasse Tyson, astrophysicist. Some of the quotes below are pure gold! Ellen DeGeneres. Life isn't finding shelter in the storm. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.”, “Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. Doing nothing is hard, you never know when you're done. Funny Quotes. I’m always looking for good quotes about money and frankly got tired always searching for them. “They say marriages are made in Heaven. Funny Christmas Quotes. Funny, witty, and wise. Funny Quotes and Sayings. If make a purchase through these links, we receive a commission at no extra cost to you. '” —Michael Mcrae, “One of my biggest fears is that I’ll marry into a family that runs 5Ks on holidays.” —@xnatata (Natalia Skrodzki), “Mapquest really needs to start its directions on number five. Seeing a male dog sniffing a female dog, the young daughter of Laurence Olivier asked Noël Coward what they were doing. People are harder. When God talks to us, we’re schizophrenic.”, “Men are like shoes. I’m barely for me.” – Marc Maron, “A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.” – Milton Berle. Funny. “Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth, and you should save it for someone you love.” —Butch Hancock, country musician. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.”, “I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. Then by all means follow that path.” —Ellen DeGeneres. J. O’Rourke, still a writer, “I’ve been married to one Marxist and one Fascist, and neither one would take the garbage out.” —Lee Grant, actress, “The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing, and then they marry him.” —Cher, “The difference between fiction and reality? Visit people only once a year.”. '”, “My grandfather once told me that there were two kinds of people: those who do the work and those who take the credit. If I missed your favorite, be sure to share in the comments below. “By all means let’s be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out.” —Richard Dawkins, scientist, “He was so narrow-minded, he could see through a keyhole with both eyes.” —Molly Ivins, author, “I’ve come to learn that the best time to debate family members is when they have food in their mouths.” —Kenneth Cole, fashion designer. “That feels just as smooth and as nice as my wife’s behind,” he said. 30 Funny Work Quotes Let these funny work quotes add a smile to your day. O’Rourke, “The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.” —Charles De Gaulle, “A bad review may spoil your breakfast, but you shouldn’t allow it to spoil your lunch.” —Kingsley Amis, “We dream of having a clean house — but who dreams of actually doing the cleaning?” —Marcus Buckingham, “Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. '”, “The world is a globe. The farther you sail, the closer to home you are.”, “If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.”, “I have not failed. In Assets Actually, throughout my life, my two greatest assets have been mental stability and being, like, really smart…I went from VERY successful businessman, to top T.V. like anyone else, I love babies…..coochee coo…gorgeous ! The just-misses. We’re glad you found them helpful! If you agree with the fact that these are hilarious quotes, you’ll also enjoy the funniest books of all time. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”, “Ask me no questions, and I’ll tell you no lies.”, “If you must make a noise, make it quietly.”, “A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s: She changes it more often.”, “Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m schizophrenic, and so am I.”, “There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. Thank you so much. Ozzie Smith just made another play that I've never seen anyone else make before, ... "Guy's more full of shit than a duck pond. These love and marriage cartoons are so accurate they’ll have you cracking up. These dog cartoons will make every dog owner chuckle. And then, as luck would have it, the next week you find two that are perfect, but you don’t have the money to buy both.”, “According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Number two is death. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.” —Douglas Adams, “Never follow anyone else’s path. It burns a lot of calories.”, “The simple act of opening a bottle of wine has brought more happiness to the human race than all the collective governments in the history of earth.”, “Americans are incredibly inpatient. C. Fields (attributed), “I wish I had the confidence of the woman who boldly admits she’s the Miranda of her crew.” —Jessica Biel, actress, “Want to know what God thinks of money? And laughter truly is the best medicine for your soul.eval(ez_write_tag([[300,250],'keepinspiring_me-medrectangle-3','ezslot_2',182,'0','0'])); Not only does laughter reduce stress, it lowers your blood pressure, gives you an excellent ab workout, and releases endorphins. Some of the links in this post may be affiliate links. Hilarious quotes are great, but sometimes we need pictures to get that extra laugh. We’ve got you covered with a huge list of funny quotes to make you laugh out loud. Unless the job is a statistician.” —Adam Gropman, “As wonderful as dogs can be, they are famous for missing the point.” —Jean Ferris, “A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.” —Steve Martin, “I love deadlines. Funny Quotes. I realize I should spend much less time watching the news, and more time laughing. “Start every day with a smile and get over it.” —W. Well, they think it was a virus, but it could also be malaria, kidney failure, a heart murmur, gallstones, or possibly appendicitis.” —Crystal Lowery, “If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon. Sometimes they pretend to be your friend first.”, “A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”, “It does not matter whether you win or lose, what matters is whether I win or lose!”, “A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”, “I intend to live forever. Laughter is the closest distance between two people. “Wine; a constant proof that God loves us, and loves to see us happy.” —Benjamin Franklin, “Why beer is better than wine: human feet are conspicuously absent from beer making.” —Steve Mirsky, author, “The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove crabgrass on your lawn.” —P. Whether you’re looking for funny quotes just for a laugh, to give a toast, or to lighten the mood at a public speaking event, you’ve come to the right place. I just want to say to the authors of that study: ‘Duh. It's about learning to dance in the rain. – Unknown. I beat people up.”, “God did not intend religion to be an exercise club.”, “The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.”, “It’s always darkest before the dawn. “Filling out a credit card application, my friend came upon this question: ‘What is your source of income?’ She wrote: ‘ATM. Really amazing quotes! — Sinclair Lewis. '” —Dave Barry, “Sometimes you lie in bed at night and you don’t have a single thing to worry about. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is. I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don't believe I deserved my friends. Funny Money Quotes… '” —Emilia Clarke, “‘I don’t want a whole dessert; let’s just get two spoons.’ —Former friends of mine.” —Anna Kendrick. The very first one will say, ‘Jesus! Death is number two. 25. It’s easy to quit smoking because I tried it thousand times. I read all of these they are so funny I can’t even stop laughing at all of these. Thanks really this is an amazing article. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.”, “My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.”, “All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.”, “I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.”, “By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.”, “A day without laughter is a day wasted.”, “Political correctness is tyranny with manners.”, “High heels were invented by a woman who had been kissed on the forehead.”, “When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. “People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”, “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”, “If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?”, “The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.”, “Light travels faster than sound. Thanks! Sherrilyn Kenyon. Then read up on these inspirational quotes to get you through the morning. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.”, “To err is human; to admit it, superhuman.”, “Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.”, “I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer.”, “There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.There is another theory which states that this has already happened.”, “Don’t cry because it’s over. These funny test answers are secretly genius. We’re only one God away from total agreement.”, “My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.”, “Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”, “If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”, “My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. Whether you’re looking for funny quotes just for a laugh, to give a toast, or to lighten the mood at a public speaking event, you’ve come to the right place. It’s kind of a shock to wake up every morning and be bathed in this purple light. Motivational Will Important. You made my day! Smile because it happened.”, “An alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do.”, “Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. It's just not always that easy to think of a good yearbook quote for all your classmates to remember you by when you can't even use the same amount of symbols for your cool quotes that are in a tweet. There's no such thing as addiction, there's only things that you enjoy doing more than life. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers.”, “You cannot be anything if you want to be everything.”, “If any of you cry at my funeral I’ll never speak to you again.”, “Crocodiles are easy. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their job.”, “I wish I were dumber so I could be more certain about my opinions. “Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.”. When a fan asked Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart for tips on writing symphonies, the composer is said to have suggested, “Begin with some simple lieder and work your way up to a symphony.” “But Herr Mozart,” replied the fan, “you were writing symphonies when you were eight.” “Yes,” said Mozart. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.”, “If you have a secret, people will sit a little bit closer.”, “I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.”, “The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.”, “All my life I’ve wanted, just once, to say something clever without losing my train of thought.”, “By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.”, “Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.”, “We’re all a little weird. Jan 19, 2021 - Explore The Funny Beaver's board "Funny Quotes", followed by 720330 people on Pinterest. “If stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?” —Will Rogers, “He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.” —Oscar Wilde, “They say you shouldn’t say anything about the dead unless it’s good. Bill Murray. “Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.” —Rod Stewart, rock star, “All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.” —Alexander Woollcott, actor, “When you have bacon in your mouth, it doesn’t matter who’s president.” —Louis CK, “Part of [the $10 million] went for gambling, horses, and women. “My dream job would be the karma delivery service.” 26. Friendship Quotes. Read through these funny quotes and memorize a few to help lighten the mood when it’s needed. It’s kind of a shock. After you’ve memorized these funniest quotes of all time, check out our best-ever Reader’s Digest jokes. “Santa Claus has the right idea. It looks fun.”, “If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? If two wrongs don't make a right, try three. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.”, “The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that still carries any reward.”, “If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.”, “Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.”, “Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.”, “Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.”, “If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist, it’s another nonconformist who doesn’t conform to the prevailing standard of nonconformity.”, “Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.”, “A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.”, “A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.”, “If you’re going through hell, keep going.”, “You have enemies? Hell Heaven Go. And life is a little weird. — Christopher Farnsworth. “She never lets ideas interrupt the easy flow of her conversation.” —Jean Webster, author, “He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.”  —Abraham Lincoln, “He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” —Henry Clapp, newspaper editor, “People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.” —Isaac Asimov, science fiction writer, “A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” —Robert Benchley, humorist. That means to the average person, if you have to go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.” —Jerry Seinfeld, “Not sure which is harder on a relationship: sharing a dresser for three years or sharing an iPhone charger for one day.” —Rhea Butcher. Laughter and life truths- a rare delicacy! “Instant gratification takes too long.” —Carrie Fisher. Check out these funny work cartoons. “You can fail at what you don’t want—so you might as well take a chance at doing what you love.” —Jim Carrey. – Victor Borge. Leonard Nimoy was asked by a woman, “Are you aware that you [as Spock] are the source of erotic dream material for ladies around the world?” Nimoy’s reply: “May all your dreams come true.”, “You know there’s a problem when you realize that out of the three Rs, only one begins with an R.” —Dennis Miller, comedian, “To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness.” —Oscar Wilde, “He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.” —Billy Wilder, director, “She loves nature in spite of what it did to her.” —Bette Midler. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.”, “If you can’t live without me, why aren’t you dead already?”, “If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”, “Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.”, “Education is learning what you didn’t even know you didn’t know.”, “Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.”, “I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.”, “Everyone has a purpose in life. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.”, “A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Copyright © 2011-2021. He said onions are the only food that makes you cry. Burton responded, “Everyone knows I never read comics.” Smith shot back, “That explains Batman.”. Love these hilarious quotes? When not working on KIM, he enjoys traveling, poker, and anything related to crypto. “The trouble with this country is that there are too many people going about saying, ‘The trouble with this country is …’” —Sinclair Lewis. 5. 116 Copy quote. If you love these hilarious quotes, then all cat owners will appreciate these hilarious cat cartoons. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Star, to President of the United States (on my first try ). There’s always another night.” —Steve Carell, “A note from a student’s mother: ‘Please excuse Chris from reading, because he doesn’t like it. Ali replied, “Superman don’t need no seat belt.” The flight attendant’s retort: “Superman don’t need no airplane either.”. Looking for a good laugh? Keep Inspiring Me. Funny Quotes. Funny And Wise Quotes From The Funniest People Ever Bill Murray. A selection of Funny Quotes which use sarcastic humor that will make your friends and family burst out with laughter. And to the C students, I say you, too, can be president of the United States.”, “The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.”, “Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.”, “If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.”, “The duty of a patriot is to protect his country from its government.”, “A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.”, “My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. Then he’s finished.”, “I don’t think I’ve seen anyone laughing on the way to a bank.”, We hope our collection of funny quotes from comedians, celebrities, and philosophers made you laugh out loud and gives you the cheer you need to get through the day. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” —Jeff Valdez, producer. 782 quotes have been tagged as funny-quotes: Lili St. Crow: ‘Discipline allows magic. “If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn’t have declared their independence from it.” —Stephen Colbert, “It is better to live one day as a lion than 100 years as a sheep.” —Donald Trump (retweeting a Benito Mussolini quote), “The lion shall lie down with the calf, but the calf won’t get much sleep.”—Woody Allen. He’s dead. “If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.” – Ann Landers, “He who laughs last didn’t get the joke.” – Charles de Gaulle, “Do not take life too seriously. “Laugh it off. “I recently asked a student where his homework was. Fortunately, I love money.”, “Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more.”, “Life moves pretty fast. Sometimes, at work we need a bit of humor or a smile to relieve the stress and demands of the workplace. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas. God’s love is abundant for every creature. Believe Enemies Doubt. '”, “The greatest thief this world has ever produced is procrastination, and he is still at large.”, “The secret of the demagogue is to make himself as stupid as his audience so they believe they are clever as he.”, “The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.”, “True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.”, “A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. Look at the people he gave it to.” —Dorothy Parker, writer, “Karaoke is the great equalizer.” —Aisha Tyler, talk show host, “I have noticed that even people who claim everything is pre­determined and that we can do nothing to change it look before they cross the road.” —Stephen Hawking, physicist. Inspirational, Life, Motivational. Check out these daily life cartoons that will also have you laughing on the floor. “According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”, “Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.”, “Men marry women with the hope they will never change. People are like music. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller, “I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back.” —Jimmy Kimmel, “As far as I’m concerned, ‘whom’ is a word that was invented to make everyone sound like a butler.” —Calving Trillin, “I’m at a place in my life when errands are starting to count as going out.” —Anonymous, “Here’s some advice: At a job interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent. Being a parent can be difficult, but it can also be pretty entertaining. 318 quotes from It's Kind of a Funny Story: ‘I didn't want to wake up. Mark Twain. Funny quotes for all. The quote are so so inspiring .Thanks for sharing. “My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates, “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell. When God created woman, He gave her not two breasts but three. '” —Roy Hartley. “It’s really hard to maintain a one-on-one relationship if the other person is not going to allow me to be with other people.” —Axl Rose, lead singer of Guns N’ Roses. Invariably they are both disappointed.”, “The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.”, “All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening.”, “War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography.”, “It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.”, “The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”, “At every party there are two kinds of people – those who want to go home and those who don’t. But so is thunder and lightning.” —Clint Eastwood. All Rights Reserved. “Cats are smarter than dogs. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.” —Jack Handey, “When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. “My husband’s idea of getting the Christmas spirit is to become Scrooge.”. We have rounded up the best and most hilarious collection of funny cleaning qutoes, sayings, slogans, one-liners, captions (with images, pictures, memes) Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian. “Sometimes I am amazed that my wife and I created two human beings from scratch yet struggle to assemble the most basic of IKEA cabinets.” —@askdadblog (John Kinnear). Go to table of contents. The … It is very interesting and helpful quotes and I think these are life changing quotes. We spend so much time worrying about how the future is going to play out and not nearly enough time admiring the precious perfection of the present.”, “A man doesn’t know what he knows until he knows what he doesn’t know.”, “Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.”, “If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.”, “I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.”, “The road to success is always under construction.”, “Until you value yourself, you won’t value your time. Funny Work Quotes: Working is that part of your lives, where we learn, we do, we learn a little more and we work a little more too.Earning is definitely one of the most vital parts of working, but in that process we also get the chances to excel what we do, to improve, to get to better opportunities, to create, to develop and to know more about what the world has in store of each one of us. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.”, “I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.”, “My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.”, “To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.”, “Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.”, “Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.”, “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”, “Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.”, “The world is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper.”, “If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.”, “A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.”, “We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.”, “As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”, “But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses.
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